As the Set Turns Series Index

Title: As The Set Turns: Smack My Bitch Right Here In Hollywood
Rating: R for rack talk?
Summary: On set with Eliza and Sarah.
Disclaimers: I don't own Eliza Dushku or Sarah Michelle Gellar. They do.
Distribution: Want it? Take it, just tell me.
Title: System of Down own the line from 'Prison'. I would love to play the song at a Labour rally, I think it would go down very well.


Smack My Bitch Right Here In Hollywood

Runner: Silence on set. Going in -three, two, one.

Sarah: *long pause* Are we going yet?

Eliza: Gellar, yes, she just fuckin' said we were.

Sarah: I didn't hear her, my shirt kept gapping, I was doing my safety pin up! Can we go again?

Runner: Still rolling people. When you're ready?

Sarah: Hey, I'm always ready, I'm a very seasoned actress and...

Eliza: Gellar, will you say your line?

Sarah: Shut it Dushku, I was talking to the runner. Are we going yet?

Eliza: Fuckin' hell! Someone get me some medication, not for me, for her! *jabs Sarah in ribs*

Runner: Rolling people, we're still rolling. Time is money.

Sarah: Time isn't money. You try going into Gap, and buying some jeans with time. You'll get your ass kicked out, pretty quick. Same as keeping time with a dime. Doesn't work, unless the sun's in the right place, then maybe you could make it into a really tiny sundial.

Eliza: *looks round incredulously, shrugging her shoulders* How did this show get named after her character? You guys might be silent, but I know you're with me.

Runner: Miss Gellar, can we go on three?

Sarah: Break time?! I'm so hungry. See you in *makes air quotes* three then, that's half an hour, right? *walks off set*

Eliza: *dumbfounded* And you wonder why I don't sign a permanent contract for this show? *points exaggeratedly at the slowly disappearing form of Sarah* She's why. She, her, that... argggghh! I'm going. *walks off set*

*the crew look round and watch as Joss walks off, shaking his head*

Runner: This is my first day, is it always like this?

Soundman: Didn't you get the word sheet?

Runner: Word sheet? Huh?

Soundman: There are words you can't say to Sarah, like, go in three, or she sort of, well, goes. Don't ever say wrap to her, she starts on about food. You'll learn.


Sarah's trailer


Sarah: *singing walk this way, Aerosmith* Walk this way, talk this waaaaa-haaaaay.

*Eliza bursts through doors*

Eliza: What the fuckin' hell are you doing, Gellar? I have a screen test in two hours, and I'm never going to get off set at this rate.

Sarah: *puts on innocent face, while trying to speed eat a donut* Haf gyoou? Dign't know. Sowwy.

Eliza: Don't do that! Don't show me your food all chewed up. Shit, you're gross.

Sarah: *swallows all of her donut, licking her lips* Screen test? Oh, right, you told me about that. What's it for again? Not that you're going to... I mean, I'm sure you'll get it.

Eliza: *flips her the finger* Soul Supermarkets, or, some shit like that. Looks like an ok film, hey, read through to the end, instead of skimming like normal. I get to kiss some chick! Yeah, baby. Roll on the good times. Woo.

Sarah: *eyes narrow* What chick? You mean chicken, right? You have to kiss a baby chicken? Is it for Easter?

Eliza: *taps Sarah's forehead* Wow, echo? No, chick as in honey, babe, girl, feeeeeee-male.

Sarah: *smacks Eliza's hand away, and pouts* What do you mean, kiss a girl?

Eliza: Gellar, we've done it enough times for you to know what I mean. Kiss, tongues, full on, body, contact. And I get paid for it? That's like Heaven.

Sarah: Tongues? But... *gets teary*

Eliza: *doesn't notice as she pulls her top off* I'm gonna have a shower. Huh? Yeah, full on. Paid. Money for kissing honeys.

Sarah: *Starts fanning face as Eliza gets more and more naked* Money... honey... uh-huh...

Eliza: *steps out of leather pants* Guess that's why I only came back for a few in season six, right?

Sarah: *rubs face with KFC finger wipe to try and cool down as she watches Eliza walk around in her underwear* Sex, I mean six, six, yeah...

Eliza: *turns round to face Sarah, brushing off lint from her chest* Yeah, so, worked out well, huh?

Sarah: *on verge of passing out* Uh-huh, well, yeah, money for baby chickens... I like your breasts.

Eliza: *starts laughing* Wondered when you were gonna notice the twins. I'm covered in lint, baby. You help me out? *winks at Sarah*

Sarah: *Rushes over at the speed of light, blowing on hands to warm them up* Where's the lint? *licks lips*

Eliza: *grins* Shit girlfriend, it's all over me. Can't you see it?

Sarah: Lint, yeah, all over... everywhere. *puts fingers on Eliza's stomach* They warm enough yet?

Eliza: No, but I know how to get them all warmed up. I got somewhere you can put them. Not all at once, see, but maybe three of them.

Sarah: *panting* three of them, yeah, three, to get them warm...

*Joss walks in, and Sarah grabs hold of Eliza's head, tilting it upwards and looking into her eye*

Sarah: I think the lash is gone, can you blink now?

Eliza: Wh... oh, yeah, annoying. Lashes in eyes, real annoying. Hey Joss.

Joss: Hey, back on set in five minutes, girls, ok?

Sarah & Eliza: *Both looking very guilty and flushed* Yeah.

*Joss leaves, chuckling to himself about subtext*

Eliza: You wanna take a rain check on de-linting me?

Sarah: Yes, yes, de-linting you, with three fingers, or even whole hands. De-linting, uh-huh! Tonight, the whole night? I can spend hours putting them in you... I mean, getting it off you.

Eliza: Honey, that's why I keep coming back. *winks as she walks into shower*